Tuesday, January 31, 2006

If Babies Could Fly

1. They would fly up to the ceiling. You would have to get the broom out and hussle them down from there. This could prove difficult during the "terrible two's" period.

2. You would most certainly be dive bombed by the now hazardous flying baby. If you were wearing a favourite hat, perhaps decorated by a favourite aunt, then said hat could end up being used as a toilet or worse.

3. An open window could spell disaster, the baby would surely seek to go for a brisk jaunt down the street, urinating on neighbours and frightening timid pets. This could mean bad things for your social life too: no more invitations to neighbourhood Christmas drinks or borrowing lawnmowers for you.

4. On a more positive note, the baby could be released into the house of a rich, elderly, horrible person. The baby could destroy fine crystal and shatter chandeliers, before imitating an angel and giving the rich, elderly horrible person a possible brain seizure.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Barrels of Teeth

These were shipped over to England in the 1860s. Taken from soldiers killed in the American Civil War, they were used as false teeth and to replace those that had come out or had been removed by the dentists of the day (tooth drawers).

In the case of Emit T. Grogan (left) his teeth were removed one night while he lay sleeping, one day before the Battle of Gettysburg. The teeth were left behind however, Grogan being shipped overseas in a barrel for research in the laboratory of eminent scientist of the day Professor Philbert Grinch. Enroute to Belgium, where Grinch's premises were located, the ship that was carrying Grogan encountered something...pirates...certainly a rarity in the day, but nevertheless, Grogan's fortunes were about to become dire. Or that was what he expected. The last thing he anticipated was being made captain of the ship, but after several months aboard the schooner Caravel Grogan's charisma, coupled with a propensity towards extreme violence when exposed to pirates, made the buccaneers realise the possibilities in their midst. Thus Emit Grogan, once just another scientific experiment, became destined for greater things.