Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Cool and Comfortable Catalog Item #70

Sympathetic Regurgitation Beaver

Everyone likes beavers! And for those times when you need to bring up some badly cooked food and just can't retch right, try our Sympathetic Regurgitation Beaver. Just insert the beaver into your mouth and pray the little fella doesn't do any permanent damage! Specially grown in the Peruvian jungles of Mars Penal Colony, these beavers get the job done!

Just $44.95, comes in Large, Extra Large and Way Too Large.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Cool and Comfortable Catalog Item #45

Rountrees Attachment Worm

Its hard to look different in this world of boring fashions, so why not, after applying your make-up, apply a Rountrees Attachment Worm to your face. You'll be the talk of the town with a five foot red worm hanging from your eyeball!
For the daring fashionista, try the Critical Talking Worm. It will give honest shopping opinions when your husband, partner or significant other is staring at the ceiling and mumbling about it being time for lunch.
eg "You look like a fucking disgrace you mindless trollope; get a damn life and read a book or go to the art gallery."

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

This Week in Theatre by Harvey Krelm

Creeping Jesus and the Couch of Shame by Roland Muce

Taps Theatre
185 53rd Street

Clocking in at just under 5 minutes, you would think that the new play by the author of the off Broadway hit "Don't Squeeze So Hard" has alot to say in so little time. However, due to the fact that the play is excruciatingly awful, it feels like an eternity has passed by the time you stumble out of the theatre and vomit onto the street.
"Clowns." said patron Clyde Hemp. "That's all I remember. Just clowns. Where was Jesus, where was the couch? I sure as hell didn't see one!"
By the time the Spanish galleon sailed off to save the elephants from the Glue King, most had already left the 1930s style Taps Theatre and were standing about on the street or hurling themselves into traffic.
This is one reporter who won't be seeing Muce's next effort, as I have put my own eyes out.
"Teasing the Pickle" opens in August, running time 17 hours.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Cool and Comfortable Catalog Item #93

New and Improved Boogeyman from the Vorogovian Hell Plane

A much requested item from our deleted range, this is the updated version of the 1994 model that went out of production due to technical reasons*.
Whether you are throwing an old fashioned halloween party or just out to terrify the general populace, the Boogeyman is for you! Hideous beyond description and able to tear limbs slowly, the 2006 Boogeyman is sure to be a hit with children too; just don't expect them to thank you for it when they're in therapy ten years later!

It's common knowledge that the Vorogovian Hell Plane is where the worst monsters come from and considering the Boogeyman is all those rolled in to one, you'd be crazy not to buy two!!
That's right; for the price of $199.95 you'll get two scare mongers to share your home for the rest of your life, and beyond. What could go wrong???? (see*)

* Cool and Comfortable bears no responsibilty for the 1995 Berlin Apocalypse Sequence, which may or may not have involved a fair bit of death, and also the disappearance of most, well all, of Europe.

Jeff VanderMeer

One of my favourite authors and all round great guy, Jeff VanderMeer has been kind enough to post a link to my blog on his, so I thought I'd return the favour:


Here you can read all about his books and strange adventures in the world of Ambergris...

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Cool and Comfortable 2006 Catalog Item #72

Sick and tired of trying to find new music to listen to? Why not try our patented Ogilvy's Music Generation System. Rather than having to endure the process of discovering revolutionary and exciting music in the modern age, Ogilvy's Music Generation System both lowers your expectations and your enjoyment of music, producing random below average tunes as 'entertainment only'.
As people, we simply don't have the time or commitment anymore to become 'involved' or 'inspired' by our music, thus Ogilvy's system is the one for you.

This system works for 'musicians' as well. Britney Spears, many R&B artists and recently Madonna have benefited from Ogilvy's MGS, producing music that is both entertaining and forgettable.

So, do yourself a favour. Get one today and get some more free time! Only $89.95. Available in brown, grey and grey-brown.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Cool and Comfortable 2006 Catalog Item #43

Head Catching Bucket

You'll look the part in this stunning addition to our range! Attractive large size container for those pesky times when your head comes off. No more embarrassment at parties, and no more bruises!
Comes in aubergine, gold and puce. Only $9.95! At this price, why not get one for a friend!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

From the Journals of Dr Helmut Kremp

We have taken aboard a rather peculiar specimen, fished from the waters last night by the crew as they were engaged in their customary ablutions. Roused from a dream in which my breeches were being torn apart to construct an escape balloon, I came on deck to see a large creature being hauled from the ocean by ropes and pulleys.
I approached warily, lantern held aloft.
More lamps were lit and the beast came into full view. It was unlike anything I had seen before in my travels, and must say my heart beat with the excitement of a dervish as I ordered the creature brought to my cabin for further examination.

There under watchful eye of Dr Kipling, I made the first incision…

"Ouch you cut me!" cried the doctor. My nerves were shattered of course, by lack of sleep, nervousness and alcohol deprivation.
"Yes." I replied, oblivious. "Its like something out of Blake, or the novels of Craighton Knight."
I cut further. I was taking a wax recording on my repaphone too, for future reference.

(Chunky Cutting sound) Voice of Dr Kremp: There appears to be at least four limbs, a stout snout and a gentleman in his late thirties - (sharp cry)
Voice of Dr Kipling: By the forked tongue of Lucifer!
Unidentified Voice: Ahhh, where am I?! Am I in hell? Ah God help me!
Dr Kremp: J-just relax please. You’re aboard the HMS Warham. Now would you be so kind as to explain your presence in the bowels of this creature?
Unidentified Voice: I was swallowed whole! By this demon of the sea! This surreal nightmare of purelent flesh and incisors! This great shambler from the outer limits of the vortex!
Dr Kipling: But how did this occur?
Unidentified Voice: I was researching my next book and I fell in.

Recording ends.